Here’s the secret on how to stop arguing with your boyfriend: avoid the argument!
While the concept itself sounds extremely simple (and it is) the hard part is swallowing your pride when you feel you’re in the right. I mean no one on this earth really ever wants to be wrong, or corrected for that matter.
Throughout this entire article you’re going to get tons of practical and incredible advice for more effective communication. Stopping arguments all together is easier said than done, but if you really want to stop them, just avoid the argument all together.
Let’s dive in..
How to Stop Arguing With Your Boyfriend
(You’re Both Idiots)
Your sense of pride goes up and the first instinctual reaction is defense. You want revenge and you’re going to do it by standing your ground and fighting your battle verbally. You will argue and defend your side till you prove your point! Take a moment and ask yourself these questions before getting into an argument with your boyfriend:
- What happens when you win?
- What do you get when you win?
- Was what you got when you won even worth fighting for?
Now even though you feel like you’ve won something, here’s what you really get:
- He wins, you lose, no one is truly happy.
- You win, he loses, and no one is truly happy.
- You both decide to stop talking and no one is truly happy.
- You are both upset idiots. Neither of you won anything.
If you really want to stop arguing with your boyfriend, or at least come to a mutual agreement, then be sure to read till the very end because you’re about to get some incredible advice you can use next time you find yourself arguing with your boyfriend.
But before we even dive into that, we have to examine why it is arguments even start-up in the first place.
Why Are You Arguing With Your Boyfriend?!
Most of the time you start to argue with your boyfriend (vice versa) it’s really over the dumbest things. Typically it’s nothing of great enough importance to start a civil war over, yet we find ourselves wanting to argue every time we feel that “we’re right attitude.” And when I say we, I mean both men and women. Yes that’s right, you too.
Understanding why you’re arguing in the first place is the best way to figure out how to solve whatever issues you and your boyfriend may be having.
I read Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the number one message I took away from that book was seek first to understand, before you seek to be understood.
I’ve also read Dale Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and one of the primary messages of that particular book is to try to side with the other person, understand where they’re coming from, and encourage them to talk more about what it is their feeling and thinking.
Do you see a common trend happening? You want to let the other person talk, talk, talk, and talk. Ask them questions and let them talk themselves out of the argument. This is a stupid simple strategy you can use with your boyfriend next time you find yourself in an argument.
Think of it this way. There are two boxers in a ring. One is obviously bigger and stronger, while the other is smaller and a bit weak. Let’s say that your boyfriend is the aggressor and you are the smaller boxer.
Who do you think would win based on size alone? The bigger and stronger boxer of course!
On the flip side, if the smaller boxer (you) went in with a plan and a strategy, well then you’d have a good chance of winning the fight. (It’s really not about winning, we’ll get to that later)
As the smaller boxer, you could use the strategy of letting the bigger boxer throw his punches. A.k.a. let him talk, talk, talk, talk. Encourage him to talk! Tell him to tell you more! Ask him why he’s feeling the way he is, ask him what else he has to say. Let him say every single thing he wants to say and just stand there with a calm look on your face. Men love to hear themselves talk, especially during an argument, it makes them feel like they’re making a point and proving something.
While he’s doing this just sit there calmly and speak softly. Ever hear the term “kill em with kindness.” Do that. When you do this you’ll find that he’ll start to open up and express what he’s really feeling.
You’ll find that there’s an underlying reason as to why he’s acting the way he is. Why he feels the need to argue, etc. By simply listening and seeking to first understandwhere he’s coming from you’ll find yourself having more effective communication.
What you’re doing is pretty much reverse psychology. I mean how many times would he want to argue with you after that if you never yelled back? It throws men off when you don’t yell back and it’s in fact a good thing.
Now this doesn’t mean that you should not be stern and stand your ground, but it does mean that there’s a better approach. But enough of all that, here’s the real meat and potatoes of how to stop arguing with your boyfriend and more importantly, save your relationship: because a good man is worth fighting for (and so are you!)
8 Simple Steps To Effectively Communication
(This Stops Arguments)
Speak Calmly. When you’re in an argument or any disagreement, always speak in a calm manner and bring the noise down to a minimum. This is going to reduce the tension going on and will make it easier to get to a better understanding of where your boyfriend is coming from.
Set Ground Rules. Be straight forward with him and tell him you’re not going to argue with him. Tell him (in a calm manner) that you’re more than welcome to hear what he has to say, so long as he speaks to you with respect.
Encourage Him To Talk. Remember, men love to hear themselves talk, we want to feel as if we’re making a statement and getting our point across. Encourage him to talk and let him say every single thing he wants to say so long as he respectfully communicates.
Seek First To Understand. While he’s communicating, it’s your job to understand where he’s coming from. You aren’t just doing this so that he has nothing else to say, you’re asking him questions so that you can truly understand where he’s coming from. This way, when it’s your turn to talk, you can know exactly what he’s feeling and can communicate in an effective manner to come to an agreement.
Say You’re Sorry. The faster you apologize, the sooner your argument will end. Even if you feel you’re right, apologize for the sake of ending the argument and moving on with caring about each other. You don’t have to say that he’s right, but just apologize for getting into an argument. You aren’t necessarily saying he’s right and you’re wrong, you’re merely apologizing for the both of you which is going to make things a bit easier from this point forward.
Agree With Him 100%. One of the best things you can do to stop arguing with your boyfriend is to say everything he was going to say about you about yourself. If you already know that he’s going to say x,y,z about you, say those things about yourself. It’s better to criticize yourself than to have your boyfriend criticize yourself. A majority of the time, when you do this to yourself and agree with him 100%, he’ll have nothing bad to say and will usually end up being the one apologizing to you! He’ll also probably start to self criticize himself without even knowing it. This technique is great because rather than trying to get each other to realize something, you both come to self realizations on your own. Try it out. (This method works!)
Give Him Praise. Telling your boyfriend that you’re happy he talked to you about how he truly felt was very genuine of him. That you really do care about what he has to say, about your relationship, and that you really want to make things work. This is going to make him feel good for acting the way he did, which will give him a heads up of how to handle things should a future argument occur.
It’s Your Turn. Since you just spent a majority of the time listening, seeking to understand, praising him, giving yourself some self-criticism, etc. Feel free to talk to him (in a calm manner) and communicate how you feel. If you followed all of the previous advice up until this point, your boyfriend should be more than willing to understand where you’re coming from.
It’s Not About Winning. This entire process was never about winning to begin with. It’s about understanding where the other person is coming from and understanding their point of view. The more that one of you tries to over power each other, it will always end sourly and unfulfilled. Understand that there is never a winner in an argument. As I said at the beginning of this article, the best way to win an argument is to avoid it all together.
Remember That You Have The Power of Choice. No matter what you and your boyfriend are arguing about, understand that he can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give him the keys. You are in control and are responsible for your own actions, emotions and for the way you respond. While it’s not always easy, you do have that power.
